6. Tell Your Story.

"11 years later I still don't have alot of words to describe what it was like to hold my grandfather's hand as he passed away. He was so kind and loving and he always had our best interests at heart. Some people remember him for other things but I remember him taking us back in his ratty old truck to feed the fish in the pond and playing his guitar and always reading us the Bible when we spent the night. I remember him eating a huge piece of my 15th birthday cake, even though he hadn't heaten in days and felt awful in the hopsital, just because I asked him to. I remember him always saying "Here's Hungry!" whenever I walked in the door and telling me he was so poor as a kid he had to be his team's "Nickleback". I remember his love of orance slices, Taco Bell and always wearing khaki pants and shirts. I remember finding his "Rape Crisis Center Volunteer" badge in his truck and asking him what it was. I was too little to understand what it meant, but he just said "Sometimes just being there for people is what is important. Finding out about his life now is fascinating. He went through so much and worked so hard and still raised an amazing family. I just regret not talking to him about it personally. I still miss him alot and I'm sad my own kids won't be able to meet him. But I'm so glad Clyde Brown was my Pap-paw. I couldn't have asked for a better one."

I posted that on my facebook today. It has almost been 11 years since my Pap-paw passed away... it will be in just a couple of hours. I remember that day so vividly- but at the same time it feels like a fog.

My Pap-paw had been in the hospital since October. I remember going to see him in Logan Memorial just after the Tobacco Festival of that year. It was cold and rainy that day. Not long after that he was transferred to The Medical Center in Bowling Green. I don't really remember visiting him much there, but I'm sure we did. After that he was moved to a local rehab center. My 15th birthday fell about that time and I took him a huge piece of cake I'd made myself. It had white icing with pink and purple flowers. I remember the piece of cake filling a Cool Whip bowl and he ate every bit of it- just because I asked him to. When Pap-paw didn't feel good he rarely ate. It's hard to explain that, but he just didn't have an appetite, but he always ate for me. And he always asked for my mom's butterscotch brownies. For a year or so afterwards I couldn't eat one. It made me too sad.

What's odd about my Pap-paw's stay in the rehab center was that my grandmother (from my dad's side) had a joint replacement about that time and they we both in the facility over Thanksgiving. Both sides of my family came together for a huge Thanksgiving meal. Normally they'd have a few family members here or there come in for holiday meals, but they had to give us the entire cafeteria! We took alot of pictures that day, but we didn't get one of all the grandkids and Pap-paw. I always regret that.

After some time in the rehab facility, my Pap-paw was moved to another hospital in Bowling Green. This is when I feel like I really screwed up as his granddaughter. I didn't go visit very often... in fact I can only remember going once. A 45 minute drive is not an excuse to me. If I had asked, my parents would have taken me.

I was a freshman in high school in Clarksville, Tennessee about that time and everyday I rode home with another girl from my hometown. One afternoon, January 21st, to be exact, my dad's car was in the pick-up line. "Your grandfather is sicker. We have to go to Bowling Green" he said.

It wasn't supposed to happen like that. The doctors had agreed. They said he was getting stronger and he was going to be coming home on the following Wednesday. Here it was Friday and suddenly he was sick again. It didn't make sense.

We drove home the 30 minutes home and my dad and I met my Aunt Donna to continue the other 45 minutes to the hospital. I remember taking a huge book I was reading about 3 orphans on an orphan train. When we got there we went to the ICU waiting room. My mom was already there and was back with him, along with my other aunts and my grandma. A little while later, they came out and several of us went to dinner. I remember we ate at Hometown Buffet and I ate alot of noodle salad. In the car we called my sister and I told her Pap-paw seemed to be doing better- which is what everyone said.

Later that night the nurses called immediate family back. I don't know the details but suddenly things were very serious. We were told it was only a matter of time. I stayed in the waiting room with my dad and my Aunt Donna. I remember crying "Someone tell him it's okay to go!" Finally my mom decided she wanted the rest of us back there. I walked down the corridor into his room. I remember my aunts crying and I moved up the side of his head. My mom was across from me holding his hand and I took his other one. My grandmother was cradling his head and crying. My two aunts were at his feet. I vaguely remember what happened next. I know he squeezed my hand once, and he made eye contact with me. I remember the nurse coming to turn off the machines that were helping him breathe and I remember calling my sister to tell her he'd passed away... a far cry from the conversation we'd had earlier in the night.

And then, my next memory is sitting in the elevator bay, outside the waiting room with my cousing Patrick. He had gotten to the hopsital with my two uncles too late. They hadn't gotten to say goodbye. But Patrick was sitting there with me as the funeral home man came in with his gurney. Then Patrick and I walked down to start everyone's cars. It was about 2 in the morning at this point, January and he was about 16. We were going to warm up the cars as the adults signed the appropriate papers and got my grandmother gathered up to go home and I turned to Patrick and said "This sucks."

11 years later, those words have rolled through my head all day. This still sucks. I miss him so much and I'm sad my future family won't be able to meet him. Some days when something really good happens- when I've worked really hard and honestly for something, when I've done what he would have wanted me to do... I cry. Cause I know he would be proud of me.

Watching someone die isn't easy, and perhaps that's why I've had such a hard time with this but I've never regretted for once second being there. I'm glad I could hold his hand... but this still sucks.

5. You can't lie...

I'm a curvy girl. I wasn't always curvy. I was pretty much a stick when I first started middle school - and being 6'1'', a little extra padding didn't seem to matter... until one day I looked in the mirror and realized I had a lot of extra padding and from then on I started comparing myself to every. single. female. I saw. It was unhealthy, yes- but in a weird, bizarre way I think it also made me humble. In my family looks were never important. EVER. It mattered that we were good kids and made good grades and were polite and not boisterous and obnoxious (I failed miserable at those last two but the good Lord knows I tried like crazy!)

So now as an adult, I know how to dress my body. I know what shapes flatter me and what style of jeans I need to buy. In all honesty- sometimes I go into the store and try on the clothes I WISH I could wear and even though they are in my size... they just don't look good. It makes me sad for a while and then it makes me fighting mad. I realized doing this before grocery shopping helps me buy healthie foods!

This week I had a long conversation about all this with my sister and I admitted some hard stuff to myself: I'm an emotional eater. I eat my feelings - I even have said that to a friend on occasion. "We need to go get sushi. I feel like eating my feelings." And I have a very hard time working on portion control. Being single it's so hard to not just eat out of the bowl or to cook several meals out and then ration them so I have food for a week (plus I get board with leftovers!) So this week, with my sister as my inspiration (cause she's stronger than I'll ever be) I started to change the way I look at food. It's fuel for me, and I happen to be one of those people who really enjoys flavors. So I went to the grocery store, bought lots of healthy foods and I've started eating 5-6 meals a day! Hard? Absolutely. I feel like I'm eating around the clock! But it's also curbing some hunger and helping me keep from snacking on horrible things.

For example: Yesterday I had some blueberry granola crisps for breakfast. Then for lunch I had a low calorie spaghetti meal and a couple of hours later I had some low fat yogurt. For supper I made myself vegetable soup and finished up the day with a snack of yogurt and then later in the night I had some guacamole rice crisps (taken out of a larger bag and divided into perfect servings into ziploc bags upon purchase!)

Today wasn't so great. We had a huge event at work so I did what I could. I had yogurt at breakfast. I felt like I need a bit of a sweet boost. Then I ate a small salad for lunch. For a mid afternoon snack I had blueberry granola crisps. Then for dinner I had a huge salad from a restaurant here in town. It was probably high in calories due to the cheese and tortilla chips but It did have grilled chicken so that was better than nothing. I also had a 32 oz. soda that wasn't diet... but I was so tired and exhausted from my job it exactly hit the spot. And then I had a yogurt when I got home.

Yogurt is something I'm learning to love. Blueberry is quickly becoming my favorite. I used to dislike the texture but after doing some research I can't help but give it a try. Most sites I see recomment around 18 oz. a day but I can neither afford that much... or stomach that much. I've been lactose intolerance for a while- but it's supposed to help with that. I'm hoping that clears up and offers some other health benefits. I really hoping I'm going about this all the right way. I know I've dieted before and it hasn't worked but this time I feel like I need to give it my all. I need to prove those people wrong who think I'm just "that big girl."

Are you confused yet? What does this have to do with the title of my blog? "You can't lie..."? Well, tonight I told a friend... a guy friend... how much I weigh.

Whoa. Can't tell you how much I wanted to back out of that one, but you know what- I couldn't lie to him! And in the end it was only slightly traumatic!

It actually helped me to see that number in black and white and realize how close it was to a very frustrating all time high I reached a few years ago. But I've lost 5 pounds this week. 5 less than I weight on Monday and all I'm doing is maintaining my normal active schedule and just being careful with every bite of food I put into my mouth.

You know what's weird, when I was talking to this friend I was so nervous he was going to think of me differently when he knew my number. I was just sure he was going to see me as an ogre or something and then I realized that's stupid! Weight is weight and we're the weight we want to be. I've been curvy for years now because I didnt' care enough about my body to take care of it and only I can be held responsible for my actions. Sure I might fail miserably at the diet and end up a thousand pounds heavier by the time it's all over with but I just don't think I will this time. I'm finding something that works for me and it's actually easier than I thought.

Maybe this will be a good year for me after all.

4. Stick To The Restaurants...

A few months ago I found a coupon at the grocery store for an Asian-inspired boxed dinner (pasta/sauce/you add the meat) and, since I'd never had that kind before and the coupon was actually decent, I bought it.

I've made plenty of boxed dinners before but this one called for shrimp and I've never, ever cooked with shrimp.. nor have I ever purchased shrimp that didn't come with Red Lobster cheesy biscuits! Hmmmm... Cheesy biscuits!

Today I left work and I had no idea what I wanted to cook. I had a Sonic burger for lunch and, for some reason, I tasted crab cakes all afternoon. Isn't that weird? It was just a random taste in my mouth! I blame the mint...

Anyway, I was down to one Dr. Pepper (and I'm an addict) and had to stop at Wal-mart so I called my mom and asked her what I wanted for dinner. (This happens more often than it should.) She said she was having potato soup and tuna fish (Okay...) and so I decided I'd buy shrimp. (Random.)

Long story short- I mixed the stuff up and it did not look at all like it did on the box! Maybe it's cause I've never cooked with shrimp that I did something wrong but I don't think I minced any of the directions. It also tasted terrible. The box said nothing about the sauce being curry... it was most definately curry and as much as I love asian food... I very much dislike curry!

You win some and you lose some. I guess now I know, even though I can cook a mean steak, my shrimp skills need some work!

I should have known finding a coupon on the floor was a really bad idea...

3. Make A Call.

So what have been avoiding for weeks at work because I hate it so much? Calling potential clients I don't know! It seriously makes my heart race, my hands sweat and my adrenaline pump! I don't know why I don't like it... it's a completely irrational fear, but calling a stranger scares me to death! But this morning I pulled that little manilla folder labled "Follow-Up" out of my file cabinet, popped it open and started making those calls!

I called client #1. He wasn't very nice so I figured my next call couldn't be that bad... and so then I called client #2 and pretty soon I'd spent most of my morning on the phone! It wasn't near as bad as I thought it would be- I just had to take the leap!

Silly fear? Maybe. But today I conquered it!

2. Make A List...

All day I've thought about what I could possibly do today that might scare me. I watched an episode of Ghost Hunters on Hulu and while that show might scare some people, it didn't scare me... and besides- it's not exactly what I meant when I said I wanted to do something everyday that scared me. I meant that I wanted to push myself outside of the box. I want to push my own boundaries.

And then, tonight as I made dinner, it hit me - making a bucket list scares me. Besides a list or two I made in elementary school I never really made such a list and for a list maker- that's a big deal. I think I've never done it because I'm scared I won't accomplish everything and the thought of letting myself down is terrifying.

So here goes - this is what I'd like to accomplish in my life...

*Have a book published*
I've written a novel and I have storylines for about 14 more in my head. I used to think this was impossible but now having put the first book on paper I see now it's not as daunting as I once though... now I just have to find someone who'll read it and then publish it. I emailed it out to a few friends and so far no one has sent me any feedback. I worked really hard on it so that's kind of disappointing but hopefully someone will read it and love it and I can get this book out there by the end of this year.

*Own a camp and/or resort*
I've said for years that I wanted to own a camp that opened doors for curious kids, but now that I work with a company that emphasizes tourism- I'm beginning to think a resort could be kind of awesome too... Of course, a significant other might have something serious to say about this but who knows where it could go... It could be awesome!

*Run a 5k*
This seems easy for alot of people but 1. I've never liked running and 2. I broke my foot in the summer of '09 making running pretty painful. Hopefully I can make this become a reality. It's going to take some work, but I'll get there.

*Own my own home*
I think this is a pretty realistic goal if I work hard. Renting is getting expensive and I'm getting tired of my white walls! :) I think that even if I don't get married in the next few years- owning a home will still be on my short list. I cannot wait!

*Learn to grill*
The idea of grilling scares the crap out of me! How in the world do you know how hot the grill is and then... how do you caculate how long its going to take to actually cook the meat! And what's even more important... How do tell a steak is medium well without cutting it open? It just seems so hard!

*Back Country Camp for a week*
I resently had my first back country camp experience in which... there were no bathrooms. It wasn't as horrendous as I thought it would be! Now that I know I'm capable I'd like to spend a week in the woods. Rinse off in the lake, cook dinner on a fire. I'd like to sleep in a tent and just enjoy the outdoors. I always thought I would have rather grown up in the outdoors.

*Go cross country in an RV*
How could this not be fun? I want to stop in every town and see their claim to fame! It would be fantastic.... as soon as gas prices go down! Of course, this is one project I will need a man for because I dont think I could actually drive an RV.

*Learn to ballroom dance*
I don't need to be able to win Dancing with the Stars but should someone of the opposite sex offer me his arm in the appropriate setting, I'd love to be able to hold my own on the dance floor... and not trip over my two left feet.

*Learn to play the piano*
I can pick out a song here and there after a year of lessons (9 years ago!) but I ran into problems when it came to putting both hands to use at the same time. I'd love to be able to sit down and play some Dino or Josh Groban whenever the mood stikes. I think that would be really theraputic.

*Have a family*
As I said in a previous post, I'm closer to 30 than 20 now and I'm not getting any younger. For the first time I have a job I can truly see myself in for years and my life is slowly settling into a comfortable pace... unfortunately I don't have anyone to share my life with. I think a husband would be fantastic and who knows... maybe there will be kids... or maybe my dog will get a compainion... or we'll get a fish. But I think it's important that I find that someone who will eat my burnt meatloaf and go get the mail on rainy days.

Wow... that's a pretty short list but other things like backpacking across Europe or swimming with the dolphins just don't inspire me. I feel like my list is simple and I think I like it that way. It took me 3 hours to write it and... it's perfect.

I don't even want to write this paragraph but someone is going to ask why I didn't put anything on here about my art work and why do I not have loftier goals for my creativity... and the truth is- my art just happens and I've found that the second I put goals on it then the goals turn to boundaries... and it just falls to pieces. This process is about making me strong - not putting limitations on how far I can go.

1. I Have A Pink Tool Box.

For a while now I've been toying with the idea of putting shelves in my guest room. Why? Because, put simply, I have two much crap.


Being a young professional sans family I choose to rent an apartment/duplex rather than buy a home. I'm not quite financially ready to own a home so it just makes sense that I pay rent and let someone else mow the yard and fix the dishwasher (which lately has been a thorn in my side but thats a whole other story!)

In being a young professional with a decent job and hopes of owning my own dream home in the near future... and an addiction to thrift stores... not to mention a love of all things creative... I kinda have alot of stuff. I have end tables with no sofa to hug, enough art supplies for a small elementary school and enough purses for a couple of sororities (I'm a girl. I can't help it.)

So my solution was to fill the empty wall in my guest room with shelves. There was nothing there and it seemed like a brilliant idea...

Yesterday I had the day off work so I went to Big Lots (particle board bookcase for $29) and Lowes (plastic shop shelves for $24), cause, Honey, my momma taught me how to comparison shop!

Unfortunately my mother was unavailable to take my call so I discussed my options with my father and after much discussion (his argument was that particle board shelves would last longer...) he talked me into the Big Lots purchase and before I knew it a nice salesmen was loading two huge boxes into the back of my SUV.


This being a "I am woman hear me roar" project I hauled both boxes into my house on my own. Each of them weighed in around 50 pounds. I didn't hurt myself so we'll consider this a small victory. Last night being New Years I left them at the door and figured I'd get around to them sometime today.

This morning while my neighbors slept off their hangovers and my best friend hung out on my couch I got out my pink tool kit and got to work. After only a few minor mishaps I got the first shelf together! It being taller than me (at 6'1'' that's kinda hard) and quite heavy it was a feat to get it out of the living room and into the corner of the guest room but I did it. BY MYSELF!

Then I started on the second shelf... it was great until I started to screw in the last piece and the silly board splintered in my hands. It was quiet frustrating and I wanted to throw it across the room. I wanted so bad to get my house organized today!!!


Luckily the helpful salesman let me know about this companies replacement parts program so I was able to get on ordered pronto and hopefully I'll be able to finish this project in 2-4 business days!


Unfortunately my living room doesnt have much floor space so I had to take the bottom part of the bookcase apart so I'd have room to live until I can get it repaired. Hopefully it wont take long and I can put my furniture all back where it goes!

I don't mind hands-on projects much. I think they are kinda fun- especially when they are about to be crazy useful for me! This one really wasn't so bad and it let me know I can definately do more huge projects like this in the future! Last year I repainted several large piece of furniture but this is the first thing I think I've atually assymbled for myself... I think it's going to turn out quite well! I'll definately post some pictures when it's finished- but for now... this is what you get!

Turns out you've gotta be somewhat flexible to work on these crazy things!

Do One Thing.

I would say that I did a pretty decent job fulfilling last year's New Year's Resolution. 30(ish) books out of 52 is a pretty good number! I promise, I read more than I reviewed but 1) reviewing them felt more like a chore and 2) no one was reading them.

So, I guess it's time to pick something new. I've tried this next project before but I never quiet made it but since it's January 1st (or now in the wee hours of January 2nd) why not start now.

Back when I was in middle school/ early high school this song came out called the Sunscreen song. It was magnificent. If you've never heard it, head on over to your favorite search engine and have a listen. This amazing Baz Luhrmann took an advice column from a newspaper, set it to music and created one of the most thought provoking and true peices of music ever created.

I know about Lady Gaga and Taylor Swift and Rihanna... don't throw rocks at me.

This song was simple and direct and now that I'm closer to 30 than 20 I'm finding it to be incredibly true! I remember certain adults saying some lines were bad like the one referring to the fact some 40-year-olds still haven't figured out what to do with their lives... whats so wrong with that? Some 40-year-olds haven't!

Anyway, I've gotten away from myself. The moral of the story (er...song) is one line that has stuck in my head for the last 14 or so years...

Do one thing everyday that scares you.

It just makes all kinds of adrenaline pulse through my body to even think about that! This will be my goal for 2011. So here goes. We'll number them and see how many things I actually accomplish by December 31st...