I'm a curvy girl. I wasn't always curvy. I was pretty much a stick when I first started middle school - and being 6'1'', a little extra padding didn't seem to matter... until one day I looked in the mirror and realized I had a lot of extra padding and from then on I started comparing myself to every. single. female. I saw. It was unhealthy, yes- but in a weird, bizarre way I think it also made me humble. In my family looks were never important. EVER. It mattered that we were good kids and made good grades and were polite and not boisterous and obnoxious (I failed miserable at those last two but the good Lord knows I tried like crazy!)
So now as an adult, I know how to dress my body. I know what shapes flatter me and what style of jeans I need to buy. In all honesty- sometimes I go into the store and try on the clothes I WISH I could wear and even though they are in my size... they just don't look good. It makes me sad for a while and then it makes me fighting mad. I realized doing this before grocery shopping helps me buy healthie foods!
This week I had a long conversation about all this with my sister and I admitted some hard stuff to myself: I'm an emotional eater. I eat my feelings - I even have said that to a friend on occasion. "We need to go get sushi. I feel like eating my feelings." And I have a very hard time working on portion control. Being single it's so hard to not just eat out of the bowl or to cook several meals out and then ration them so I have food for a week (plus I get board with leftovers!) So this week, with my sister as my inspiration (cause she's stronger than I'll ever be) I started to change the way I look at food. It's fuel for me, and I happen to be one of those people who really enjoys flavors. So I went to the grocery store, bought lots of healthy foods and I've started eating 5-6 meals a day! Hard? Absolutely. I feel like I'm eating around the clock! But it's also curbing some hunger and helping me keep from snacking on horrible things.
For example: Yesterday I had some blueberry granola crisps for breakfast. Then for lunch I had a low calorie spaghetti meal and a couple of hours later I had some low fat yogurt. For supper I made myself vegetable soup and finished up the day with a snack of yogurt and then later in the night I had some guacamole rice crisps (taken out of a larger bag and divided into perfect servings into ziploc bags upon purchase!)
Today wasn't so great. We had a huge event at work so I did what I could. I had yogurt at breakfast. I felt like I need a bit of a sweet boost. Then I ate a small salad for lunch. For a mid afternoon snack I had blueberry granola crisps. Then for dinner I had a huge salad from a restaurant here in town. It was probably high in calories due to the cheese and tortilla chips but It did have grilled chicken so that was better than nothing. I also had a 32 oz. soda that wasn't diet... but I was so tired and exhausted from my job it exactly hit the spot. And then I had a yogurt when I got home.
Yogurt is something I'm learning to love. Blueberry is quickly becoming my favorite. I used to dislike the texture but after doing some research I can't help but give it a try. Most sites I see recomment around 18 oz. a day but I can neither afford that much... or stomach that much. I've been lactose intolerance for a while- but it's supposed to help with that. I'm hoping that clears up and offers some other health benefits. I really hoping I'm going about this all the right way. I know I've dieted before and it hasn't worked but this time I feel like I need to give it my all. I need to prove those people wrong who think I'm just "that big girl."
Are you confused yet? What does this have to do with the title of my blog? "You can't lie..."? Well, tonight I told a friend... a guy friend... how much I weigh.
Whoa. Can't tell you how much I wanted to back out of that one, but you know what- I couldn't lie to him! And in the end it was only slightly traumatic!
It actually helped me to see that number in black and white and realize how close it was to a very frustrating all time high I reached a few years ago. But I've lost 5 pounds this week. 5 less than I weight on Monday and all I'm doing is maintaining my normal active schedule and just being careful with every bite of food I put into my mouth.
You know what's weird, when I was talking to this friend I was so nervous he was going to think of me differently when he knew my number. I was just sure he was going to see me as an ogre or something and then I realized that's stupid! Weight is weight and we're the weight we want to be. I've been curvy for years now because I didnt' care enough about my body to take care of it and only I can be held responsible for my actions. Sure I might fail miserably at the diet and end up a thousand pounds heavier by the time it's all over with but I just don't think I will this time. I'm finding something that works for me and it's actually easier than I thought.
Maybe this will be a good year for me after all.
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